Help. Thanks. Wow.

I am reading the new book by Anne Lamott, Help. Thanks.  Wow.:  The Three Essential Prayers.  We began reading it aloud as we drove back from Oregon and got through the introduction.  The book opens, “I do not know much about God and prayer, but I have come to believe over the last twenty-five years that there’s something to be said about keeping prayer simple.  Help.  Thanks.  Wow.”

What a reassuring read.  Our prayer time, whether it is my wife and I or whether it includes the whole family, does in fact mainly consist of these three categories of prayer.  “Help me be a better husband, thanks for this wonderful family, and Wow what an amazing life we have-how did we ever get here.”  I think the category we need to work on most is the Wow category. 

Wow-what a beautiful sunset.  Wow-what a beautiful child we’ve been blessed with.  Wow-we are overwhelmed.  Wow-God has been good to us.  It is good to have our prayer life challenged and enriched by such a splendid author. 

We arrived home yesterday evening after a wonderful visit with family in Oregon.  Tired from the road, we only did a cursory check on the animals.  They are all OK, but I’m looking forward to spending a little more time on them today.  Mostly our farm sitter did a fantastic job.  He’s a great young man.  Anyway, I’ll be doing some animal care this morning.  I’ll be cleaning and filling water troughs, feeding mineral to the goats, inspecting a cut near Whisper’s eye which happened before we left, fixing the lights in the chicken coop, trying to handle the new sheep, and maybe even trimming some hooves.  The list is always long.

There’s always a million things to do, but I need to just pick a few and stick with them in order to keep from getting completely overwhelmed.  I’ll probably try to get some goose hunting in this afternoon. 

Looking forward to another wonderful day on the farm.  Wow, I missed it even though it was nice to have a little break.

imagination

Jenny is out of town for a couple of days. Usually she milks Fancy, our Jersey milk cow, and I milk the goats and do the other barn chores. Well, I guess Fancy didn’t like the feel of my hands, or my singing, or something. Either way it was clear she wasn’t happy about something. She kicked the snot out of me twice. Cows can pack a powerful wallop if they have a mind to. I kept at it though. It wouldn’t have paid to let her think that she could just kick her way out of being milked by me. I didn’t end up with much milk, but we got it done. I can’t wait for Jenny to get back.

We are living a life beyond our wildest imaginings. Actually, I used to dream about a life like this. Living on a farm, teaching part time and farming part time. Then I lost track of those dreams for about 20 years. In a haze of alcohol, false starts, and tangled dreams I struggled along until one day I woke up here. You can’t get here from where I was. In fact, you can’t even see here from where I was. But here I am. The only way I can make some sense of those years is to remember that everything that has happened up until now has led me to here. And for that I am grateful because here is a pretty wonderful place to be. I have been truly blessed.

Grace. Unmerited favor.

“We develop an imagination and with this imagination, we reach for God. We live out of the worldview that our imagination has created.” - Father Richard Fragomeni

Imagination is the soil in which my garden grows. The deep, rich humus that nurtures it. “Humus” is the root word from which the word “humility” is derived. Humility means, literally, “earthly”. To be humble is to be of this earth. And we are, indeed, of this earth. Connected. To each other, to God, to Christ, and to the earth that nourishes us. And this is what the Eucharist say to me. That when we come to the table with Christ, we are invited to embrace God. To embrace our connectedness to all with is earthly and all that is heavenly.

So here I am. Relaxing after my contest of wills with Fancy the milk cow. Nursing my wounds. Listening to Bob Dylan on the stereo and contemplating my relationship with God, and man, and this earth we live on. Feeling blessed and at peace. Even at peace with Fancy.

Carry the message...

I have just begun to read an amazing book by Richard Rohr. “Breathing Underwater: Spirituality and the Twelve Steps. In it, Rohr explores the parallels between the twelve steps of Alcoholics Anonymous and what St. Francis calls the “marrow of the Gospels.”

In skipping around the book, I was particularly stuck by Rohr’s comparison of the twelfth step and two biblical passages.

The twelfth step in Alcoholics Anonymous reads, “Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics and practice these principals in all our affairs.” The original wording of this step took it a little further and encouraged recovered alcoholics to, “carry this message to others, especially alcoholics, and practice these principals in all our affairs.” I prefer the older version of the step. The reason I prefer to carry the message to others, especially alcoholics, is that the message is not just about the recovery from alcoholism. It is about Redemption for all of us through Grace. It is a message about being welcome to “Come to the Feast” (Fr. Richard Fragomeni) at God’s table. God invites us all to be transformed. We are all capable of having a “spiritual awakening.” Redemption, through Grace, is available to us. Whether our “fall” comes in the form of alcoholism, consumerism, lust for wealth or power, greed, false pride, or of any number of other common failings healing is available to all of us. Alcoholism just seems to be a particularly public type of catastrophe, much more outwardly apparent than other “addictive” behaviors.

So, winding my way back to my starting point…

“What was given to you freely, you must give away freely.” Matthew 10:8

“Simon, Simon, you must be sifted like wheat, and once you have recovered, you in your turn must strengthen your brothers.” Luke 22:31-32

What then do I have to freely give to others? How may I strengthen my brothers? What part of myself do I have to give?

In the example of alcoholism, I can certainly offer my experience, strength, and hope to other suffering alcoholics. But there is so much more. I am so much more than just an alcoholic. I am a teacher, parent, brother, son, husband, friend, musician, thinker, writer, farmer, homesteader, Christian and so much more. There are so many ways I may be of service to God and my fellow man.

Today’s challenge is to think of how you may be of service. What can you give to strengthen your brothers and sisters? What part of yourself do you have to give to others?

Thanks for reading. Blessings.

Taking a break

Taking a little break from working in the garden. Between teaching, co-parenting, animal care, and trying to get the garden started, I am overwhelmingly busy. I just don't have enough time to get everything into the garden when I'd like to get it planted.

I was thinking about the educational philosopher John Dewey last night. John Dewey writes, among other things, about the role of experience in education. Experience, writes Dewey, is the cornerstone of a meaningful educational experience. Sure we can learn a lot from books. We can even memorize tidbits of information. But in order to really learn something we have to have an experience with it.

When I was 18 I wanted a car. My friend had been given a broken car by his grandmother. Having given up on fixing it, my friend, in turn, sold it to me. For $500 bucks. I knew nothing about working on cars. I could have read the shop manual, and sometimes I did, but I didn't learn how to work on cars until I got underneath one with a wrench. I fixed that car and drove it for another 5 years. Best $500 vehicle I've ever had. It usually ran, and if it didn't, I could make it run within a day or two. I worked on that car in some memorable places.

So, back to the original point, it was the experience of working on cars that taught me how to work on cars. There was no better way to learn than to buy a broken car and possess a strong desire to make it run.

So back to John Dewey in a roundabout way. One of my favorite quotes for my life right now is,

"To find out what one is fitted to do, and to secure an opportunity to do it, is the key to happiness"

I am fitted to do more than just teach in a classroom. I can garden, I can hunt, I can fish, I can care for animals. I can teach on the farm, I can teach at the food c0-0p, I can teach the boys, I can teach my friends. Teaching in a classroom is just one of the many things I am fitted to do. Perhaps another way of saying that would be that I am called to teach. But I can be called to many types of teaching. That calling can change over time. If teaching is my calling, then God will find a way to present me with an opportunity to teach. It is not my place to know how and where and what I will teach. Only to know that when I am called, I must serve.

Don't get me wrong. A salaried job as a school-teacher sounds like it may have some clear advantages, but whatever happens, I will be put to use if I am willing. God, show me how to be willing to serve in whatever way you see fit.

So, I pray that I may open my mind to see how I may serve as a teacher today. Whatever form that may take.

I am so blessed. Time to go plant some snap peas. Blessed be!

Retreat

Jenny and I just got back from a retreat at the Benedictine monastery of St. Gertrude's. It was an amazing experience. The theme of the retreat was "Valuing Your Life, Living Your Values." It was a perfect topic for me.

I needed to reflect on how valuable this life is to me and to God. I reflected on what I could continue to do to take care of my physical, mental, and spiritual health. I also had the opportunity to reflect on how I could live out my values, Christ's teachings, in my everyday life. Love, Tolerance, Social Justice, Care for those in need, Honesty, Integrity. We focused on the "Sermon on the Mount" and it seemed like a pretty good job description for living a life in Christ.

Jenny's pregnant. We got to hear the heartbeat for the first time on Friday before the retreat. I think that helped make the whole weekend more spiritual and emotional. It's amazing. What a blessing. I've never been a father before. I'm extremely excited. We will be getting married shortly. I will have gone from a childless, life long bachelor to a parent and co-parent of 4 children in a fairly short amount of time.

Life is truly a mystery. I am truly, truly blessed.

Forgiveness

We got twenty five beautiful baby chicks in the mail today. It was just as much fun to watch the boys play with the chicks as it was to watch the chicks. I'd forgotten how much fun baby chicks can be.

I was talking with some friends tonight about forgiveness. Sometimes we may feel that we've done something that is unforgivable. Sometimes we may not be forgiven by those we have harmed. Whether or not we are forgiven by others is not the point really. Of course we try to make the situation right. Of course we try to change our behavior. But ultimately we are forgiven by God. Ultimately, forgiveness is always available to us. What a blessing.

We are so truly blessed.

Grace-revisted

"Few souls understand what God would accomplish in them if they were to abandon themselves unreservedly to Him and if they were to allow His grace to mold them accordingly." -- St. Ignatius Loyola

Why is it that I sometimes think that accomplishments are achieved by force of will. My will. When I'm spiritually fit, I ask for God to guide me and my actions. Then I act with all the strength I can muster. It is by abandoning myself that I accomplish great things.

Of course I am not always spiritually fit. Lost in selfishness, self-pity, and remorse. Sometimes I forget all about God. Forget all about serving my fellow man.

When I abandon self, I allow God's grace to mold me, and then I am truly blessed.

Grace

"And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee:
for my strength is made perfect in weakness.
Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities,
that the power of Christ may rest upon me."
2 Corinthians 12:9

I visited a man in the hospital the other day. He had found out he had cancer and had relapsed on narcotics. He had overdosed and almost died. I wanted to help him. To reach out, to console, to encourage, to lift up. I don't know if I was able to be of any help at all. I don't know if I had any of the right words to say. What I did say was that I had been there. That I knew what it felt like to wake up in a hospital bed, alone, in a strange town. Bewildered. Lost. Terrified. Knowing that I had drank too much, to often, for too many years. But not quite being able to piece together how I had come to find myself in this particular hospital, on this particular morning, in this particular town.

What I could say was that I had been where he was and that there was a way out. That, although he couldn't see it, there was hope. That in that moment of weakness and infirmity, strength might be found. I didn't think I could get to where I am today from where I was then. In fact I couldn't even see here from there. I have found a life beyond my wildest imaginings. I am living in a dream. Not because I "made" it happen. Not because I deserved it. But because of Grace. The mystery of grace is that it, "finds you where you are but doesn't leave you where it found you." Through grace I have been given a new life. A second chance. Because, you see, God does forgive. And the more beaten, the weaker, the more infirm you are the greater the strength you will be given. God's strength truly is made perfect in weakness.

I don't know if anything I said will help this friend. I don't think any human power can help in a situation like that. What I can do is be a witness that in weakness and infirmity there is a power. Just over the horizon. Where you can't quite see it yet. There is strength. There is a way up and out. There is Grace. It is waiting for you.

And today I feel truly, truly blessed.

A prayer for guidance

MY LORD GOD, I have no idea where I am going.
I do not see the road ahead of me.
I cannot know for certain where it will end.
Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think that I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so.
But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you.
And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing.
I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire.
And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road though I may know nothing about it.
Therefore will I trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death.
I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.

- Thomas Merton, "Thoughts in Solitude"

Prayer for the day

"Take my memory, my understanding, my imagination, my body, my will, my entire self. God, I give it all to you. Give me only your grace and your love. That is enough." - Saint Ignatius of Loyola

My tractor was buried in a 5 foot snow drift in the driveway. I spent an hour digging it out enough to move it. Then I put the chains on, which I should have done before it snowed, and began plowing. After clearing about ten feet of drive, I have a 50 yard driveway, the tire fell off and shredded. I sat there in shocked silence. Snowflakes drifting peacefully down around me. I shut off the tractor...and laughed. God, I am truly getting the gift now. I really mean that it is a gift. The gift of humility. The gift of practicing serenity. The gift of facing overwhelming adversity with a little grace. Of knowing my small little place in God's universe.

That is not to say I never blow my top at broken shoelaces. But this particular instance was so completely "not funny" that it was funny. What else can you do but laugh. The driveway will get plowed. Or maybe it'll melt away in spring. Whichever comes first I suppose.

Grace and love. That is enough. And I am given those things if I ask. If I let go of anger and self-pity. If I let go of my entire self. If I even let go of everything I hold dear. God, I am willing that you should have all of me good and bad, root and branch. Just leave me your grace and love...that is enough.

I have been truly blessed. Everything I "have" is such a gift. Except that I do not really have it. It is not mine. It is all temporary. Like the tire on the tractor. One minute it is a tire, the next it is shredded rubber. In the end, all I really have is God's grace and God's love. And that is enough.

Love never fails

"There are in the end three things that last: faith, hope, and love, and the greatest of these is love."
1 Corinthians 13

I realized that I hadn't posted very many pictures of Maggie the princess. She is queen of all she surveys.

I had a splendid day yesterday with a new friend. We walked around the mountain artist community of Joseph, Oregon. Had a leisurely lunch and hiked to a waterfall in the first snow of the year. It was stunning. I am filled with hope, and faith, and love. Hopeful that our friendship will continue to grow and flower. Full of faith that God will guide us. I am feeling so truly, truly blessed. I am filled with gratitude for all the love and grace that I have received. What a truly wonderful day. Have a blessed Sunday.

Doing the impossible

Start by doing what's necessary; then do what's possible; and suddenly you are doing the impossible.
- Saint Francis of Assisi

By keeping my heart where my hands are I find that I accomplish the impossible. By doing the next necessary task, by doing the next right thing, the thing that is right in front of me to do I move from the necessary to the impossible.

When I started working on my teaching certificate in special education I was able to take one night class a semester. I worked during the day teaching severely emotionally challenged teens in a locked psychiatric ward. Not how I envisioned my teaching career going, but it paid the bills. At the time it seemed like and impossibility that I would ever get my degree. Five years later I finished that degree. In my last semester I was helping a professor teach her class and she asked if I needed a part time job. The job started at 6 hours a week. It grew and grew as I added more students and 4 years later I still have that job and it is the most amazing job I've ever had. All I did was the next thing in front of me and very slowly the pieces all fell into place.

Now I find myself living all the dreams I dreamed 25 years ago when I was just 18. I've always known that I wanted to teach part time and live on a farm. I just couldn't see how that was ever going to happen. At times during my life it seemed like I couldn't be any farther from that goal. Now that I am here I can see that everything I went through, both good and bad, was just another necessary step on the path that lead to this farm and this life. At the time I couldn't see how what I was doing had anything to do with getting here. Now I see that it was all part of the journey.

I have been truly blessed. You can't get here from where I was. It's impossible. In fact, you can't even see here from there. But in God all things are possible. By taking the next necessary action, God has led me here. By doing the next necessary thing, the impossible has been accomplished. What a beautiful, beautiful thing it is.

Take counsel

"Do everything with counsel,
and you will not repent when you have done it" (Eccles. 32:24).

I have made plenty of bad decisions in my life. Most of them without talking things over with another person. Or worse yet, ignoring the thoughts of others. In the end a person has to follow their heart, but it is still better to take counsel with friends, family, or a spiritual adviser.

I have a handful of good friends and family members that I go to for counsel. I don't know that I'm seeking advice so much as just another person to go over the scenario with.

In addition to seeking counsel, I want to reach out to be supportive of others. Not to give advice but to comfort, to listen, to care, and to share my experience, strength, and hope.

I'm spending the afternoon again today working hard on the farm. Getting as much done as possible so that I can relax this weekend without feeling so overwhelmed. I'm getting a ton of things done.

I met with some friends over lunch today. I am so blessed to have such wonderful, open, caring friends. Stay well.

Surfacing from deep water

Coming out of a depression is like surfacing from deep water after holding your breath too long. Sometimes what brings me to the surface is major change, spiritual change, a sea-change.

But doth suffer a sea-change

Into something rich and strange - The Tempest, Shakespeare

Coming to the surface spluttering and gasping I see the world in a whole bright, new light. Where will this new day bring me? I smile and am filled with a glowing warmth. The past drips off my shoulders as I pull myself up to shore.

What has God got in store for me today? Something rich and strange, to be sure.

Blessed be!

Musica Universalis

Musica Universalis - The Music of the Spheres. The idea that the proportions in the movements of the heavenly bodies, the Earth, Moon, and Planets, create a kind of musica. (Latin for music) Pythagoras originated the idea that there was a sacred connection between the movement of the planets.

I have been meditating on the sacred rhythm here on the farm. As the seasons change, plants sprout and grow, animals are born and die, there is a rhythm to it all.

Not only do the seasons have a circular rhythm, days on the farm do too. I wake up at four and sterilize the milking pails. I go out, talk to the goats, feed and milk them. I let them out of the barn and head back to the house. Carissima and the kids bleat and cry, begging me not to leave.

Back in the house, I get some coffee in me and get ready to take Luna for a walk. We get a nice long walk to the end of the nine acres and back. Chasing birds, flushing partridge and bunnies. Maybe a pheasant if we're lucky. Luna usually find some dead thing to pick up and carry home with her.

Then it's off to check, feed, and water the chickens. The chickens come running for treats. Greeting me in a frantic cacophony.

The critters cared for it's time to feed myself. Usually a several course breakfast.

The rest of the day it's weeding, and planting, and hauling, and cleaning, and all sorts of chores. At the end of the day we close with a home cooked meal and some rest.

It is labor, but it is labor in the sense that it is a calling. I feel blessed to be able to do this sort of work. It is a prayer. It has a sacred rhythm to it.

Divine Presence

"We believe that the divine presence is everywhere" - Rule of Saint Benedict

This was from the reading from today in the "Rule of Saint Benedict". It goes on to mention that the eyes of the Lord are on both the good and the evil everywhere.

I don't know much about evil, but I had some good moments and some bad moments today. I suppose God was present through it all. I sure needed all the help I could get.

I like to remember to see God's presence in everything I encounter. We are all God's children, whether you are sick or well, pleasant or unpleasant, happy or unhappy. God is present in the least likable people I meet each day. God is present in the funky spring weather that is sunny and warm one day and sleeting and cold the next. He is present in the puppy that won't mind your commands.

It is important for me to try to see God in the places where he is difficult to see.

For me, it is easier to see God in the mountains or a trout stream. With the sun shining down and a fly-rod in my hand. It's easy to see God in puppy dogs or baby chicks, in the flowers coming up in spring, in the grass starting to grow in the hayfield.

So, that said, I have a few days off and I hope to spend them seeing God in the easy places. On the farm, fishing for steelhead, hiking with the puppy and Colleen, planting tomatoes in the sun-room. Hopefully then I will carry the vision of God into the following week when God's divine presence is less obvious.

I guess I'm praying hard now!

To pray is to work, to work is to pray. Orare est Laborare, Laborare est Orare. For the last two days I've been building earthen ramps into the barn for the pigs and goats. The doors to the areas for the animals are about three feet off the ground. There must have been wooden ramps there at one time that rotted away.

So I built a frame out of free pallet wood and scraps from around the farm. Then I've been filling it in with stone and broken concrete. Then covering it with dirt and gravel. The pig ramp has been a special pain in the butt because it is at an angle that I can't dump the loader into. I have to shovel the rock and gravel into the loader, then dump it and shovel it again into place. The goat ramp I will be able to dump directly into. Hard work!

I taught this morning before working on the ramps. After twenty years of teaching, I'm not used to working hard with my hands. It feels good, but I am sore. Not that I've been a couch potato or anything. It's just that the exercise I have gotten has been hiking, and hunting, and fishing, and backpacking. Shoveling rock is a whole different thing.

Did I mention it was raining. Didn't really bother me much. It wasn't raining hard. Just enough to say to yourself, "Self, you are shoveling rock in the rain in February."

But really, it was very meditative. It's hard to be distracted by worldly clamors when you are working outdoors. I wasn't worried about money or pride or responsibility. I just was.

And now the pigs have a way to get into their nice warm home.

Humus-another rambling meditation

Humus in Latin means earth, ground, or soil. It is the Latin root from which we get English words like "humility" and "humble." It would seems ironic to write in a personal blog about humility, since blogging is a little narcissistic, but here goes.

I was thinking more about being grounded and centered. I was also meditating on beginning seeds in my sun room for this year's market garden. Both are humbling activities. I can nurture seeds and hope that they grow, but much of the miracle of growth is out of my hands. I didn't create the soil or the sun. I can't control whether the Spring is wet or dry, early or late.

Being close to the earth and soil also grounds me. It helps me learn humility. Being "grounded" is not a new idea. It was not invented by the new age folks. The juxtaposition of lightness and weight has been a theme in philosophy and religion for thousands of years.

Mulan Kundera says, "The heaviest of burdens crushes us, we sink beneath it, it pins us to the ground. But in love poetry of every age, the woman longs to be weighed down by the man's body. The heaviest of burdens is therefore simultaneously an image of life's most intense fulfillment. The heavier the burden, the closer our lives come to the earth, the more real and truthful they become.

Conversely, the absolute absence of burden causes man to be lighter than air, to soar into heights, take leave of the earth and his earthly being, and become only half real, his movements as free as they are insignificant.

What then shall we choose? Weight or lightness?"

But the image of finding meaning in a burden is not new. Of course, the burden of bearing the cross is one of the oldest metaphors or images of this same idea.

When I "take leave of the earth" I become only "half real" and my life becomes "insignificant." If my life is close to the earth. Intertwined with the soil, from which springs sustenance both physical and spiritual, I find meaning.

Sometimes when I think of our farm. The garden, the critters-the chickens, cats, dog, goats, and pigs-I think "dang" how am I going to spend a week fly-fishing in the mountains with all these things relying on me? I lived a life as light as air for years. No commitments, no responsibilities. As the number of burdens I carry has increased, so has my sense of fulfillment. Meaning, purpose, peace, and serenity has increased. How ironic.

Faith which does not doubt is dead faith

This quote, by the Spanish philosopher Miguel De Unamuno, is the story of my faith life. I don't pretend to be an expert on spiritual matters. My idea of prayer is to sit on the couch with a cup of coffee and some chewing tobacco and invite God to guide me through the day. I ask God to help me be of service to others. I ask that my own shortcomings be removed, so that I may better be of service to God and my fellow man.

The other day I was overwhelmed with fear and anxiety. Life just seemed too much. I rarely pray on me knees but decided to give it a try. A sense of peace came over me and my mind stopped racing. I thought to myself, "it's kind of calm and relaxing down here." I have prayed on my knees on and off for years, but I sometimes forget the power of that simple act of humility.

So back to the quote, I am filled with doubts. I am an intellectual, and I what to see the proof and know the reasons why. Does God exist? Does God answer our prayers? What is God? Is God made of atoms and particles? Should I go back to the Church of my childhood? Would I find comfort there?

I went to a Catholic priest as a young man after many years absence from mass. We had a long conversation and I still remember what he said. He said, "you are more Catholic than most people I see at mass every Sunday." And he was right. I have a completely Catholic worldview. I am moved by Catholic prayers and rituals. Catholic imagery and archetypes resonate for me. A life defined by Catholic values of Love and Service calm my existential angst.

I doubt my faith, but in doubt, my faith is born.

I will lift up mine eyes unto the hills...

I will lift up mine eyes unto the hills, from whence cometh my help.
My help cometh from the LORD, which made heaven and earth. Psalm 121

When I need inspiration, I head to the outdoors. Despite snowy weather, I am planning on going up into the foothills to deer hunt on Tuesday. It is in the mountains and forests that I feel closest to God. That is where my strength lies. And when my spirit is renewed, I am better able to be of service to God and my fellow man. When I am in the mountains it is easy to be humbled by God's creation. It is easier to feel God's grace. My brain stops spinning, and I am able to just be, at peace, and in the moment.