Small Things...

“Do not think that love, in order to be genuine, has to be extraordinary….Be faithful in small things because it is in them that your strength lies.”  Mother Teresa

  I was talking with a friend and spiritual advisor, lamenting that I had been so preoccupied with the everyday chores and responsibilities that I wasn’t able to focus on a broader vision for our lives.  Being a hopeless list maker I sat down to write a Five Year Plan.  Lists are great and this list was a good exercise, but it essential to remember that seeing to my daily tasks with love and faithfulness is where my strength lies.

Feeding and milking the goats with love and care.  Making sure the dogs get enough attention.  Homeschooling the kids.  Showing little Russell how much I love him.  Cooking for the family.  Even washing the dishes.  All of these “chores” can be done with an attitude of love and faith.  Even down to the minutiae of what words I choose to use with the boys, seasoning the breakfast vegetables the way my wife likes them, saving the asparagus stalks for the goats. All of these things can be done prayerfully.

It is also important to have a longer range vision too though.  What would our life look like if we could realize all of our dreams?  I don’t dream of winning the lottery or being rich.  In fact, I’d prefer not to win the lottery.  I dream of making a living at the farmers market, of raising most or all of our own food, and of breeding and selling heritage livestock. 

So what are your dreams?  What would you like your life to look like if the possibilities were truly limitless?  Who knows.  Maybe they are.

better than I was

“I’m not better than any of the rest of you, I'm just better than I was”

Being “broken” is part of the human condition.  At least it is in my Catholic world view.  Our brokenness is the reason behind Christ’s sacrifice.  Being broken is part of our path to God.  Grace is God’s gift to us.  That we are loved even though we are broken.  In fact, we are by God and frequently by others loved because of our brokenness.  Embracing and accepting the ways in which I am flawed is part of my path to healing, to wholeness, and to happiness.  I know that I will never be perfect, but at least I can try to Christ like.  I know I won’t attain that either, but I can strive for that.

And, oh boy am I broken.  But that is the beauty of it.  It makes me who I am.  And my family and friends love me for who I am.  The whole deal.  Not in spite of my flaws, but including my flaws.

Self-centeredness, selfishness, grandiosity, dishonesty, depression, trouble with drink…the list goes on.  But it is OK.  I am loved anyway.  I have hope.  And faith.  And I can try to act more selflessly.  I can work through my depression.  I can try to live with humility.  I can try to not take that first drink.

There is no one who is beyond help.  There is no one who is hopeless.  But I met a guy last night that thought he was.  I am truly saddened when I meet folks who feel hopeless.  He thought he was worse than any of the rest of us.  How grandiose is that. 

Grace is there for anyone.  Grace is there even if we don’t ask for it.  Grace is there even if we aren’t seeking it.  Repentance is important.  Trying to change is great.  Trying to live better is wonderful.  But they aren’t pre-requisites for God’s love.  God loves us anyway.  Trying to live right doesn’t guarantee God’s love, but it does lead to a happier more fulfilling life during my short stay here on earth.  When I live a life of service to God and my fellow man, what I get in return is not a 1^st class seat on a jet to heaven.  What I get is simply a better ride on this journey called life. 

My life today is more wonderful than I can ever have imagined.  Had I asked for everything I had dreamt of to come true I would have been selling myself short. 

I’m not better, or luckier, or smarter than anybody else.  It’s not because I try harder, or serve better, or pray more.  I’m not better than anyone else.  I’m just better than I was.

Blessed be.

Midnight Meditation

After a little diaper changing and baby rocking, I am up doing a little reading, meditation, and prayer. Just reading Thomas Merton and listening to a little rock and roll playing softly.

“My intention is to give myself entirely and without compromise to whatever work God wants to perform in me and through me.” - Thomas Merton

Wow! “Entirely and without compromise.” That’s a tall order. I am I really willing to let God change me? Can I really let go to being a vessel to carry God’s peace? Can I really turn my life over to a God I can’t understand. If I do, will I still be allowed to smoke cigars and eat ice cream?

That’s one thing used to have a lot of confusion about. I used to think that if I accepted God into my life that I would become as pure as the driven snow. I didn’t think I wanted that much purity. I realize now, for myself at least, that I can give myself to God and still have a great time on this earth. And yes, that really does include smoking cigars, duck hunting, telling tall tales around the campfire, and listening to a little rock and roll.

God is there in all of it.

So, anyway, I’m excited to go duck hunting tomorrow. That is, if the motor for my boat is ready and I have the money to pay for the repairs. When I say “boat” and “motor”, it might make it sound luxurious. My “boat” is a 12 or 14 foot rowboat, spray painted camouflage, outfitted with a nice but hardly reliable 9 horse outboard. It gets me where I want to go…most of the time. I just try not to go so far that I can’t row back to the launch if I have to.

Tim and I are planning to go to a little bit bigger lake this time. I can be a really fun place to hunt, but not always consistently productive for me. I always see lots of birds, but sometimes they are pretty cautious. Either way though, I always have a wonderful time. Sitting in the duck blind, a half an hour before sunrise, waiting and hoping that the birds will fly.
Jenny’s rocking baby Russell. He’s quiet and happy…for now. We are so blessed.

Carry the message...

I have just begun to read an amazing book by Richard Rohr. “Breathing Underwater: Spirituality and the Twelve Steps. In it, Rohr explores the parallels between the twelve steps of Alcoholics Anonymous and what St. Francis calls the “marrow of the Gospels.”

In skipping around the book, I was particularly stuck by Rohr’s comparison of the twelfth step and two biblical passages.

The twelfth step in Alcoholics Anonymous reads, “Having had a spiritual awakening as a result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics and practice these principals in all our affairs.” The original wording of this step took it a little further and encouraged recovered alcoholics to, “carry this message to others, especially alcoholics, and practice these principals in all our affairs.” I prefer the older version of the step. The reason I prefer to carry the message to others, especially alcoholics, is that the message is not just about the recovery from alcoholism. It is about Redemption for all of us through Grace. It is a message about being welcome to “Come to the Feast” (Fr. Richard Fragomeni) at God’s table. God invites us all to be transformed. We are all capable of having a “spiritual awakening.” Redemption, through Grace, is available to us. Whether our “fall” comes in the form of alcoholism, consumerism, lust for wealth or power, greed, false pride, or of any number of other common failings healing is available to all of us. Alcoholism just seems to be a particularly public type of catastrophe, much more outwardly apparent than other “addictive” behaviors.

So, winding my way back to my starting point…

“What was given to you freely, you must give away freely.” Matthew 10:8

“Simon, Simon, you must be sifted like wheat, and once you have recovered, you in your turn must strengthen your brothers.” Luke 22:31-32

What then do I have to freely give to others? How may I strengthen my brothers? What part of myself do I have to give?

In the example of alcoholism, I can certainly offer my experience, strength, and hope to other suffering alcoholics. But there is so much more. I am so much more than just an alcoholic. I am a teacher, parent, brother, son, husband, friend, musician, thinker, writer, farmer, homesteader, Christian and so much more. There are so many ways I may be of service to God and my fellow man.

Today’s challenge is to think of how you may be of service. What can you give to strengthen your brothers and sisters? What part of yourself do you have to give to others?

Thanks for reading. Blessings.

Grace-revisted

"Few souls understand what God would accomplish in them if they were to abandon themselves unreservedly to Him and if they were to allow His grace to mold them accordingly." -- St. Ignatius Loyola

Why is it that I sometimes think that accomplishments are achieved by force of will. My will. When I'm spiritually fit, I ask for God to guide me and my actions. Then I act with all the strength I can muster. It is by abandoning myself that I accomplish great things.

Of course I am not always spiritually fit. Lost in selfishness, self-pity, and remorse. Sometimes I forget all about God. Forget all about serving my fellow man.

When I abandon self, I allow God's grace to mold me, and then I am truly blessed.

Grace

"And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee:
for my strength is made perfect in weakness.
Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities,
that the power of Christ may rest upon me."
2 Corinthians 12:9

I visited a man in the hospital the other day. He had found out he had cancer and had relapsed on narcotics. He had overdosed and almost died. I wanted to help him. To reach out, to console, to encourage, to lift up. I don't know if I was able to be of any help at all. I don't know if I had any of the right words to say. What I did say was that I had been there. That I knew what it felt like to wake up in a hospital bed, alone, in a strange town. Bewildered. Lost. Terrified. Knowing that I had drank too much, to often, for too many years. But not quite being able to piece together how I had come to find myself in this particular hospital, on this particular morning, in this particular town.

What I could say was that I had been where he was and that there was a way out. That, although he couldn't see it, there was hope. That in that moment of weakness and infirmity, strength might be found. I didn't think I could get to where I am today from where I was then. In fact I couldn't even see here from there. I have found a life beyond my wildest imaginings. I am living in a dream. Not because I "made" it happen. Not because I deserved it. But because of Grace. The mystery of grace is that it, "finds you where you are but doesn't leave you where it found you." Through grace I have been given a new life. A second chance. Because, you see, God does forgive. And the more beaten, the weaker, the more infirm you are the greater the strength you will be given. God's strength truly is made perfect in weakness.

I don't know if anything I said will help this friend. I don't think any human power can help in a situation like that. What I can do is be a witness that in weakness and infirmity there is a power. Just over the horizon. Where you can't quite see it yet. There is strength. There is a way up and out. There is Grace. It is waiting for you.

And today I feel truly, truly blessed.

Prayer for the day

"Take my memory, my understanding, my imagination, my body, my will, my entire self. God, I give it all to you. Give me only your grace and your love. That is enough." - Saint Ignatius of Loyola

My tractor was buried in a 5 foot snow drift in the driveway. I spent an hour digging it out enough to move it. Then I put the chains on, which I should have done before it snowed, and began plowing. After clearing about ten feet of drive, I have a 50 yard driveway, the tire fell off and shredded. I sat there in shocked silence. Snowflakes drifting peacefully down around me. I shut off the tractor...and laughed. God, I am truly getting the gift now. I really mean that it is a gift. The gift of humility. The gift of practicing serenity. The gift of facing overwhelming adversity with a little grace. Of knowing my small little place in God's universe.

That is not to say I never blow my top at broken shoelaces. But this particular instance was so completely "not funny" that it was funny. What else can you do but laugh. The driveway will get plowed. Or maybe it'll melt away in spring. Whichever comes first I suppose.

Grace and love. That is enough. And I am given those things if I ask. If I let go of anger and self-pity. If I let go of my entire self. If I even let go of everything I hold dear. God, I am willing that you should have all of me good and bad, root and branch. Just leave me your grace and love...that is enough.

I have been truly blessed. Everything I "have" is such a gift. Except that I do not really have it. It is not mine. It is all temporary. Like the tire on the tractor. One minute it is a tire, the next it is shredded rubber. In the end, all I really have is God's grace and God's love. And that is enough.

Love never fails

"There are in the end three things that last: faith, hope, and love, and the greatest of these is love."
1 Corinthians 13

I realized that I hadn't posted very many pictures of Maggie the princess. She is queen of all she surveys.

I had a splendid day yesterday with a new friend. We walked around the mountain artist community of Joseph, Oregon. Had a leisurely lunch and hiked to a waterfall in the first snow of the year. It was stunning. I am filled with hope, and faith, and love. Hopeful that our friendship will continue to grow and flower. Full of faith that God will guide us. I am feeling so truly, truly blessed. I am filled with gratitude for all the love and grace that I have received. What a truly wonderful day. Have a blessed Sunday.

Take counsel

"Do everything with counsel,
and you will not repent when you have done it" (Eccles. 32:24).

I have made plenty of bad decisions in my life. Most of them without talking things over with another person. Or worse yet, ignoring the thoughts of others. In the end a person has to follow their heart, but it is still better to take counsel with friends, family, or a spiritual adviser.

I have a handful of good friends and family members that I go to for counsel. I don't know that I'm seeking advice so much as just another person to go over the scenario with.

In addition to seeking counsel, I want to reach out to be supportive of others. Not to give advice but to comfort, to listen, to care, and to share my experience, strength, and hope.

I'm spending the afternoon again today working hard on the farm. Getting as much done as possible so that I can relax this weekend without feeling so overwhelmed. I'm getting a ton of things done.

I met with some friends over lunch today. I am so blessed to have such wonderful, open, caring friends. Stay well.

Surfacing from deep water

Coming out of a depression is like surfacing from deep water after holding your breath too long. Sometimes what brings me to the surface is major change, spiritual change, a sea-change.

But doth suffer a sea-change

Into something rich and strange - The Tempest, Shakespeare

Coming to the surface spluttering and gasping I see the world in a whole bright, new light. Where will this new day bring me? I smile and am filled with a glowing warmth. The past drips off my shoulders as I pull myself up to shore.

What has God got in store for me today? Something rich and strange, to be sure.

Blessed be!

Divine Presence

"We believe that the divine presence is everywhere" - Rule of Saint Benedict

This was from the reading from today in the "Rule of Saint Benedict". It goes on to mention that the eyes of the Lord are on both the good and the evil everywhere.

I don't know much about evil, but I had some good moments and some bad moments today. I suppose God was present through it all. I sure needed all the help I could get.

I like to remember to see God's presence in everything I encounter. We are all God's children, whether you are sick or well, pleasant or unpleasant, happy or unhappy. God is present in the least likable people I meet each day. God is present in the funky spring weather that is sunny and warm one day and sleeting and cold the next. He is present in the puppy that won't mind your commands.

It is important for me to try to see God in the places where he is difficult to see.

For me, it is easier to see God in the mountains or a trout stream. With the sun shining down and a fly-rod in my hand. It's easy to see God in puppy dogs or baby chicks, in the flowers coming up in spring, in the grass starting to grow in the hayfield.

So, that said, I have a few days off and I hope to spend them seeing God in the easy places. On the farm, fishing for steelhead, hiking with the puppy and Colleen, planting tomatoes in the sun-room. Hopefully then I will carry the vision of God into the following week when God's divine presence is less obvious.

Humus-another rambling meditation

Humus in Latin means earth, ground, or soil. It is the Latin root from which we get English words like "humility" and "humble." It would seems ironic to write in a personal blog about humility, since blogging is a little narcissistic, but here goes.

I was thinking more about being grounded and centered. I was also meditating on beginning seeds in my sun room for this year's market garden. Both are humbling activities. I can nurture seeds and hope that they grow, but much of the miracle of growth is out of my hands. I didn't create the soil or the sun. I can't control whether the Spring is wet or dry, early or late.

Being close to the earth and soil also grounds me. It helps me learn humility. Being "grounded" is not a new idea. It was not invented by the new age folks. The juxtaposition of lightness and weight has been a theme in philosophy and religion for thousands of years.

Mulan Kundera says, "The heaviest of burdens crushes us, we sink beneath it, it pins us to the ground. But in love poetry of every age, the woman longs to be weighed down by the man's body. The heaviest of burdens is therefore simultaneously an image of life's most intense fulfillment. The heavier the burden, the closer our lives come to the earth, the more real and truthful they become.

Conversely, the absolute absence of burden causes man to be lighter than air, to soar into heights, take leave of the earth and his earthly being, and become only half real, his movements as free as they are insignificant.

What then shall we choose? Weight or lightness?"

But the image of finding meaning in a burden is not new. Of course, the burden of bearing the cross is one of the oldest metaphors or images of this same idea.

When I "take leave of the earth" I become only "half real" and my life becomes "insignificant." If my life is close to the earth. Intertwined with the soil, from which springs sustenance both physical and spiritual, I find meaning.

Sometimes when I think of our farm. The garden, the critters-the chickens, cats, dog, goats, and pigs-I think "dang" how am I going to spend a week fly-fishing in the mountains with all these things relying on me? I lived a life as light as air for years. No commitments, no responsibilities. As the number of burdens I carry has increased, so has my sense of fulfillment. Meaning, purpose, peace, and serenity has increased. How ironic.

Vocatio - "a summons"

The original meaning of vocation in 1426 was "a call from God to follow a spiritual way of life." The word comes from the Latin vocatio meaning a call or summons.

I'm back to teaching this week and loving it. I love working with young people and their families to help them grow and succeed. That said, teaching is very exhausting emotionally for me.

I teach special education in an alternative setting. I work for a publicly funded charter school that provides services for families who are essentially "homeschooling." Working together with families and children to come up with the best way to meet their special learning needs is fantastic.

It meets my needs too. I don't handle the stress of the full time public school world very well. I work part time as an "independent contractor" with the charter school and therefore arrange my hours with the families I serve. If I want to plan lessons at 2 am, then that's what I do. The other day I planned my lessons on a notebook in the goose blind.

So, my students are wonderful. I work with each student one-on-one and they are each so different and unique. I have a student who, just out of the blue, decided to do a powerpoint biography of John Muir, one of my heroes. This student does "service learning" with the National Forest Service. I met with another younger student this week for the first time. We got some work done, then just chatted and drew and got to know each other a little better.

I get to use the skills and the patience that God has given me to best serve these families. The students and families, in turn, teach me. I grow and learn each day. I start each day with a prayer that I may be of service to these kids. I pray that I may bring a little knowledge and light and love into their lives.

I am truly blessed to have a job that I love so much. It is truly a "calling" in the Latinate sense of the word.

I will lift up mine eyes unto the hills...

I will lift up mine eyes unto the hills, from whence cometh my help.
My help cometh from the LORD, which made heaven and earth. Psalm 121

When I need inspiration, I head to the outdoors. Despite snowy weather, I am planning on going up into the foothills to deer hunt on Tuesday. It is in the mountains and forests that I feel closest to God. That is where my strength lies. And when my spirit is renewed, I am better able to be of service to God and my fellow man. When I am in the mountains it is easy to be humbled by God's creation. It is easier to feel God's grace. My brain stops spinning, and I am able to just be, at peace, and in the moment.

Ask

Matthew 7:7 Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you:
8 For every one that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened.
9 Or what man is there of you, whom if his son ask bread, will he give him a stone?
10 Or if he ask a fish, will he give him a serpent?
11 If ye then... know how to give good gifts unto your children, how much more shall your Father which is in heaven give good things to them that ask him?

Prayer of St. Francis

Lord make me an instrument of thy peace -- that where there is hatred, I may bring love -- that where there is wrong, I may bring the spirit of forgiveness -- that where there is discord, I may bring harmony -- that where there is error, I may bring truth -- that where there is doubt, I may bring faith -- that where there is despair, I may bring hope -- that where there are shadows, I may bring light -- that where there is sadness, I may bring joy.

Lord, grant that I may seek rather to comfort than to be comforted -- to understand, than to be understood -- to love, than to be loved.

For it is by self-forgetting that one finds. It is by forgiving that one is forgiven. It is by dying that one awakens to Eternal Life...

I like to think of this as my job description each day. I like to meditate on it before I go out to teach in the morning.

"Orare est laborare, laborare est orare"

"To pray is to work, to work is to pray" St. Benedict

"Benedict legislates for a monastic life that has rhythm, measure, and discretion. His monks are not overdriven by austerities in fasting and night vigils. They do not own anything personally, but they have enough to eat and to drink (even wine when it is available) and to clothe themselves. They work with their hands about six hours a day but they also have leisure for prayerful reading and common prayer. Their sleep is sufficient and they may even take a siesta in summer if needed. The young, the sick, and the elderly are cared for with compassion and attention."